Humour
If you love a good joke, this is the place for
you.
Read on for some great laughs.
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings
and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here’s a way to change all of that.
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5″ x 5″ is
a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* take that off-line
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout “BULLSHIT!”
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that was going on inside himself. He said, “My son, it is
between 2 wolves. One is evil: Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority and ego…
“The other is good: Joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth,
compassion and faith…”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then
asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one I
feed.”
— Author Unknown
Thanks to Paulette Glor for passing this wisdom along
to The Innovation Journal
A bit of wisdom….
“I am always doing what I cannot do
yet in order to learn how to do it.”
-Vincent Van
Gog
Looking for a lightmoment?
Check out this letter of rejection from the
Smithsonian.
What did the fish say when it slammed into a cement wall?
DAM!
Quasiturbine application :
A new atomic element discovered !
This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic
number of 0. It does however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and
111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles, called peons. Since it
has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction
with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of the called
“Administratium” causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it
would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years;
it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium sample’s mass will actually increase over
time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons,
forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the “Critical
Morass.”
This element has been used extensively and with great succes in
Canada, to slow-down the progress of the Quasiturbine technology !
Ref: http://quasiturbine.promci.qc.ca
(humour of course !)
From: Saint-Hilaire
To: The Citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence. Effective today, Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories except
Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, for the 97.5% of
you who have heretofore been unaware that there is a world beyond your borders) will soon
appoint a former Canadian Governor-General as Minister for American Affairs without the
need for further elections, recounts or court decisions.
The House of Representatives, the Senate, the Supreme Court, the
various state governors, legislatures and courts will be immediately disbanded. A
questionnaire will be distributed in one year to determine if any of you noticed.
To aid in your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced and will have immediate effect:
1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
While you are at it, look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you must raise
your vocabulary to a civilized level.
2. Look up “vocabulary”. Be advised that using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noices such as “like” and “you
know” is an unacceptable form of communication. Be advised as well, that saying
“duh” does not amount to trenchant critical commentary. Similarly, saying
“awesome” is an inadequate way to express approval. Also, the verb “to
go” is not a synonym for the verb “to say”. Look up
“interspersed”.
3. Be advised that there is no such thing as “US English.”
We will advise Microsoft on your behalf.
4. Learn to distinguish among the accents of people from Australia,
New Zealand, Canada, Scotland and at least four different communities in England
(Yorkshire, Liverpool, Cockney and BBC are recommended).
5. Henceforward, Hollywood will occasionally cast English actors as
the good guys.
6. Learn your original national anthem, “God Save the
Queen,” but only after carrying out Rule # 1 (we would not want you to get confused
and quit half way through).
7. Stop playing “American football.” Instead, play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you who are brave enough may, in time, be allowed to play rugby, rugger or
Australian Rules football. But beware, you will not be allowed to ward off tackles by
sticking up your hand and lisping “fair catch,” nor will you be permitted to
stop for a rest every twenty seconds, nor may you indulge in the wearing of full body
armour like the nancies you are.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but it will be celebrated only in the United Kingdom and the
Dominions. It will be called “Indecision Day”.
9. All American automobiles are hereby banned. It is for your own
good. American vehicles are crap. When we show you German, Swedish and some of the more
expensive Italian and British automobiles, you will understand what we mean
10. Please tell us who really shot J.F.K. It has been driving us
crazy.
Thank you for your attention.
A Sad Day
(some culturally based humour)
It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:
Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy
died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California
Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. As long-time friend, Aunt
Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was
kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very “smart” cookie, wasting much
of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still,
as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly
father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Liberal Arts Major…
Will Think For Money
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
Gravity…It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law.
Often Wrong…Never In Doubt
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
A little Holiday cheer!
‘Twas the Night Before
Christmas- Written by the Government
‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse). Hosiery was
meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus,
pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the
avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of
ascertaining the precise source thereof.Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing his
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on
the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the
solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus
Rangifer,
piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous
velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically
through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective
cognomen – “Now Dasher, now Dancer…” et al. – guiding them to the uppermost
exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree
pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap
– entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the
ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of
assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which
suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s
floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute
facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a
tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of
holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his
corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a
hemisperical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite
every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid
and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended
hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his
aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this
task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of
leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds
of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the
seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: “Ecstatic
Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset
and dawn.”
Updated
June 09, 2001
The Anagram:
“In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries
on two fronts about how life turns rotten.”
The answer:
“To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”
There’s more truth to this than we realize… What have we
become???
13 Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the 90s
1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”
3. You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you
back “What’s for dinner?”
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken
to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail
buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains
Echinacea.
11. You check your blow dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your
newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone IS home.
“If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of
meat?”
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 mi/gal.”
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the
statement “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”
And…
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop
and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would
accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought “Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent
of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades
to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single “general car default” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say “are you sure?” before
going off.
Source: Innovative Management Network
THE OI VEY WAVE
by Tom Walker
It has long been agreed by economists that (all other things being
equal) a reduction in the hours of work per worker will lead to an increase in the hourly
cost of labour. This is because of the importance that per-worker fixed costs play in
determining modern labour costs. Economist Walter Oi presented the seminal theoretical
discussion of this phenomenon in a 1962 paper, “Labor as a Quasi-fixed Factor”.
That’s the thesis, anyway. Now for the antithesis: the fixed
component of labour costs rises _and falls_ cyclically over long periods. If we call the
rising phase of the cycle an “Oi”, in deference to Walter Oi, isn’t it only
fitting that we call the falling phase of the cycle a “vey”?
Although the above may sound like obscure academic theorizing, it
has some pretty amazing implications for the real world. The Oi vey wave could well
explain the “long wave” cycle of alternating periods of prosperity and
retrenchment first identified by Dutch economists around the turn of the century and
widely associated with the name of the Russian economist, Kondratieff.
The Oi phase would correspond with the fat years and the vey with
the lean. If the world economy has just suffered through a quarter century of vey, it may
well be posed on the brink of an Oi upswing. Happy days are (almost) here again!
But wait. There’s a synthesis. It’s possible that the alternation of
Oi and vey phases may reflect the strategies that management uses to adapt to the labour
cost structure of the prevailing phase.
Towards the end of the Oi phase, for example, management begins to
experiment with “un-Oiing” strategies to cut labour costs. Because such
strategies can only be implemented incrementally, over time they become habits. Eventually
these un-Oiing habits come to be seen as first principles of management.
Corporate executives are hailed, not for their bold vision, but
simply for possessing the venerated un-Oiing habits. These un-Oiing executives are the
types who would spend a dollar to save a dime. But no matter — they can point to past
precedent to justify their ways like old generals pointing to the last war to justify
their preparations for the next one.
Without putting too fine a point on the data crunching, it is
possible to name exactly when the (un-Oiing) vey phase of the wave crested (troughed?).
That would be when it became obligatory for stock prices to rise in response to an
announcement of layoffs. Most stock market players are like vultures — they swoop after
the meat is dead.
HOW TO PROFIT FROM THE COMING OI PHASE
The driving principle of the Oi phase is providence. The formula for
success in the coming period is simple:
generous = profit
stingy = loss
For the more technically-minded, the way for companies to take
advantage of the new labour cost structure of the vey phase is to substantially reduce the
hours of work for highly-paid “core workers” and to aggressively expand
employment.
Employers with the wisdom to offer free time as a benefit to their
highly skilled, experienced work force and to recruit, train and promote young workers
will reap the dividends of a new Jubilee. Corporate downsizers will inherit the wind. You
can bank on it.
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays,
etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school,
and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird science our
young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.”
“The body consists of three parts – the branium, the borax, and
the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i,
o, and u.”
“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a
free state.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube.”
“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide.”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire.”
“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst
insects.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have ben taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
away.”
“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the
nose.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until
the heart stops.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it.”
“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it
drops in your throat.”
“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”
Death to all fanatics!
Guests who kill talk show hosts–On the last Geraldo.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never
tried before.
Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great trade!
What’s green and only comes out in the summer? Paddy O’Furniture.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it,
too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for
a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they
asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer.”
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have
the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day
approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,
“This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry”, replied the
bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something
to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other
was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book
and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
PHILOSOPHIES
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness
of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
And finally….
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you!
We envision to enthusiastically foster high-payoff information so
that we may authoritatively customize unique deliverables while promoting personal
employee growth.
Forecasting is like trying to drive a car blindfolded and following
directions given by a person who is looking out of the back window
(Anonymous)
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived
forwards.
(Kierkegaard)
Art is a lie that helps us see the truth. (Picasso)
When we gather information from the world, we contribute to its
entropy and hence its unknowability. (Otto Rossler)
Last Revised January 2010